Holiday Blues

It's pretty common for folks to feel "blue" or "down" at the holidays. This is particularly true if someone has had a significant loss in the previous year -- the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of a home, the loss of location (i.e. -- moving from "home" to a new geographic location), and a myriad of similar losses. Along with the decreased amount of sunlight, economic tensions facing individuals and families, and what I perceive as a general "crankiness" in the nation in general, I'm not suprised that this year folks are feeling the "holiday blues."

First, let me remind my readers that this is a common experience. When there is a signficant loss in someone's life, the holidays become more difficult. We throw holiday parties and make them "couples" events (even if we don't intend that to happen). We use images of people together in household settings or some type holiday gathering from a meal to shopping. The list can go on and on. The point is two-fold.

For Those With The Holiday Blues
If you're struggling with holiday blues, you're not alone. Faith Church is offering a support group -- a place to be with others experiencing what you're experiencing. Yes, just a little advertising of the group but if coming to a group isn't for you (and it's not for everyone), here are some thoughts.

It's very easy to slip into our own lives and our own homes trying to block out the feelings. We can also slip into addictive behavior -- drinking too much, the use of prescription medication in appropriately, the use of illegal drugs, over eating, over shopping, spending too much time gambling, or engaging in heightened sexual activity are just a few examples of how this can express its self.

Rest and enough/proper sleep, excercise, a nutritious diet, and limiting caffine, sugar, and alcohol consumption are key in this struggle. Also, interaction with folks which is not related to work is important. If you are retired, and/or have limited ability to get out and about (e.g. -- no driver's license, don't drive after dark, or something similar), correspond with a friend or family you haven't had contact. Obviously, if you're reading this blog, you have a computer or access to one -- send an email to someone. Although my preferred method is good old fashioned pen and paper. Take the time to set down and actually hand write a letter to someone. There's something important in the discipline that handwritting a letter requires -- it forces us to stop, slow down, and focus our attention in a way which is different from working at a computer screen. There's something very "soulful" about writing a letter. You might even write a letter to the person you're missing, the place from which you moved, the job you lost, or the pet which used to keep you company.

This time of year the emotions of grief become strong, heightened, and sometimes "come out sideways." We can grieve the loss of a loved one, home, job, place, pet ... or the loss of feeling that deep intimate connection of friendship with someone or even the loss of an ability. Why we grieve isn't important. THAT we grieve is important. It is a normal, natural human response to loss of any kind. The important part is figuring out how to give meaning to the memories while at the same time not letting the grief take over.

To give meaning to memories is to ask some very fundamental questions: Did I do enough for my pet? Are there unresolved issues with the person who died? Could I have worked harded and kept my job? "What could I have done differently?" is often the question behind the messages we send ourselves. We spend allot of time double guessing ourselves maybe even thinking we are a failure in what we have done. Giving meaning to the memories is about looking at the memory from all the different angles realizing that the one perspective we bring to something isn't the ONLY way to understand that memory or even the "correct" way to understand it. (I'm not really sure there is a "correct" way to understand a memory; rather we have to be open to the possibility that we are looking at a memory not from the intent but from our own internalized messages which may or may not have something to do with the memory. I have to stop on this rabbit track -- I'll blog about that at another time.) What I'm saying is this: Guilt, blame, and shame are powerful; assign them to your memories carefully. My own experience is that when I use guilt, blame, and shame to understand my memories, I end up in a cycle beating myself up and/or blaming others which isn't useful or helpful. Guilt, blame, and shame simply reinforce what I want to believe not necessarily what is.

We can become stuck in our grieving. BUT remember people grieve at their own speed. In six months you may have fully grieved, but your spouse or office mate may take 18 to 24 months to grieve the exact same thing. Give yourself, and others, the permission they need to be where they are in grieving and encourage yourself, and others, to continue the process. This may even take specialized work with a therapist. Grieve at your own pace and allow others to grieve at theirs.

For Those Around Those With The Holiday Blues
Being a friend to those with the "holiday blues" is very important. We all need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent our anger, or someone to set with us in silence.

What I hear from those around those with the holiday blues, or going to a funeral visitation this time of year, is this: I wouldn't know what to say. First, just admit the truth -- you don't know. Secondly, be there! I have asked many people over the years if they remember what was said to them during a funeral visitation. Very few will recall a specific conversation. However they will recall who was there. They will recall the family, friends, and colleagues who gathered to surround and support them in a difficult time. This is true even when the grief is older.

I worked with a woman who had lost a son during World War 2, her husband at Thanksgiving 40 years later, and a daughter in the 1990's. Folks were always careful around her at the holidays. They tried to avoid talking about the son, husband, and daughter at all during the holidays. The woman would break into tears easily. What most folks didn't realize is that by NOT talking about the son, husband, and daughter this particular woman felt as if folks were minimizing her loss and minimizing her son, husband, and daughter. She didn't realize folks were just uncomfortable with her emotional expressions especially since the rest of the time she was a very stoic character! Folks didn't realize that she needed her friends to acknowledge how deep she felt the loss of these three important individuals in her life. Listening more than talking is key here. Don't worry about "what to say," just tell the truth about how you feel and listen with an open heart to those experiencing loss. Most folks want to talk about and celebrate what they have lost. They want to cherish their loved ones, take pride in work they have done, or feel the safety and security a familiar location provides. Don't be afraid to talk about any of these; most importantly encourage those struggling with the holiday blues to do the talking -- you do the listening!

When I served down state, one of the congregations I served had a number of divorced women as members. I thought nothing of it until I realized what that group of friends offered one another. They would gather, particularly on New Year's Eve, for a party. No men allowed. I found out later that they were telling the stories of the good times and the difficult times with the ex-husbands. They didn't have advice for each other but they offered support to one another. That's all folks really want/need -- someone they can depend on ... even if only for a few weeks, a day, a hour, or even for a few minutes. Don't worry about what to say, just be present; that is what is remembered.